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Miscellaneous Miscellaneous Keywords: FOR MEN ONLY
Source: Yahoo
Published: ?
Posted on 12/27/2000 09:54:29 PST by kahoutek


Womanspeak....vs.... English

You want = You want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm hungry = (a) Make me something to eat (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so…inconvenient = I want a new house.

The car is empty = Go fill it up

The trash is full = Take it out

The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Please walk me home = Let's go make out.

It's all right, dear. = You'll pay for this.

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get use to it.

Was that the baby ? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling ! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOSH there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

If wifey sees this, I'm in "Is my butt fat?"......gave the wrong answer.

1 Posted on 12/27/2000 09:54:29 PST by kahoutek
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To: kahoutek

I'm still amazed at my late dad's ability to make my mom speak straightforwardly and in an intelligent manner before giving one inch to her position. He simply refused to play the game and she realized she couldn't play it. I miss him a lot.

2 Posted on 12/27/2000 09:58:10 PST by HalfIrish
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To: kahoutek

Are you wearing you fire resistant underwear today?

3 Posted on 12/27/2000 10:00:30 PST by jimtorr
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To: kahoutek

I've always been partial to the ol' "Does this dress make me look fat?" question. Of course, we all know the real answer, but dare not speak the truth.

4 Posted on 12/27/2000 10:04:15 PST by Wolfie
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To: kahoutek

My wife is a little bit this way, but ONLY in the most charming sense.

Otherwise, she is thoughtful, logical, rational and graces my life to an extent I'd have never thought possible before I met her.

Women aren't that easy to figure out. Treat 'em like gold, like the most precious gift you could ever receive in life, and typically you'll get along just fine.

5 Posted on 12/27/2000 10:09:04 PST by Illbay
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To: Wolfie

"Does this dress make me look fat?" question. Of course, we all know the real answer

You mean, "no, it's your a** that makes you look fat"?

6 Posted on 12/27/2000 10:09:45 PST by kevkrom
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To: kahoutek

If you think you're in love, and want to get married, just buy her a house,then give her half your money and walk away.

It will save you alot of attorney fees.

7 Posted on 12/27/2000 10:10:08 PST by DainBramage
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To: Illbay


8 Posted on 12/27/2000 10:10:22 PST by kahoutek
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To: kevkrom

Wife to hubby:"I want my breasts enlarged".

Hubby to wife: "Try toilet paper".

Wife to hubby: "Huh? I'm not going to stuff my bra with that".

Hubby to wife:"Look at what it did for your backside".

9 Posted on 12/27/2000 10:13:58 PST by kahoutek
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To: kahoutek

Hubby to wife:"Look at what it did for your backside".

LOL! must be out looking for trouble today!

10 Posted on 12/27/2000 10:25:23 PST by OnAMission
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To: kahoutek

The Top 15 *Other* Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman

15. Santa remembers it *is* Christmas. 'Nuf said.
14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in the bathroom.
13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.
9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention.
6. Constantly whining about "equality" until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.

and the Number 1 *Other* Sign Santa Claus is Actually a Woman...

1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd HAVE to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!

Men and Women Compared

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Goodwill, Peanut-Head and Useless.

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

11 Posted on 12/27/2000 21:34:06 PST by William Wallace
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To: Luis Gonzalez, Victoria Delsoul, Bryan, jhoffa_, Teacup, diegodeigh

Humor break!

12 Posted on 12/27/2000 21:38:25 PST by William Wallace
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To: kevkrom

You mean, "no, it's your a** that makes you look fat"?

If my Husband ever said this to me, he'd have a frying pan to his head.

13 Posted on 12/27/2000 21:49:45 PST by RepubMommy
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To: William Wallace


1) I'm serious....I love flannel nightgowns
2) Does this bedding set come with a dust ruffle
3) C'mon guys...lets go to the little boys room together
4) After seeing that swim suit issue I cancelled my subscription to sports illustrated
5) I'll have a small diet coke and I'll split the chef's salad with my friend
6) How long were you in labor


1) Those superbowl posters will make the family room look great!
2) Go ahead play golf...the yard work can be done anytime
3) What do you mean plaids & stripes don't go together
4) Lets take that parallel parking spot over there
5) Of course I know which way North is
6) I've packed everything for the trip into one bag
7) Hey...let's give her a wedgie!!!

14 Posted on 12/27/2000 21:57:19 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: RepubMommy

"If my Husband ever said this to me, he'd have a frying pan to his head."

One of the more annoying traits of American women is this obsession with being told that they have the kind of bony butt a man has. You keep trying to force us to say, "Yeah, from behind you look just like me".

15 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:00:14 PST by not_my_real_fake_name
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Hey...let's give her a wedgie!!!


16 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:00:40 PST by William Wallace
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To: Wolfie

17 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:11:47 PST by Northpaw
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To: kahoutek, William Wallace

Maybe someday=never



Maybe=I'll let you know when.

What are you doing Saturday morning?=Whatever you're planning on doing Saturday morning will have to wait, this is what you're going to do.

18 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:17:10 PST by Luis Gonzalez
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To: kahoutek


Yes, DON'T we! :)

19 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:20:30 PST by bannie
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To: William Wallace


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

3. Sunday = Sports.

4. Anything you wear is fine, really.

5. You have too many shoes & plenty of clothes.

6. Crying is not the answer. Crying is blackmail.

7. We're not mind-readers. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

8. Mark anniversaries & birthdays on a calendar.

9. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.

10. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

11. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

12. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

13. If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

14. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, then we meant the other one.

15. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

16. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to appear.

17. You can either ask us to do something OR tell how you want it done - not both.

20 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:24:02 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: kahoutek

You missed several:

How does my hair look? (only appropriate response= "Fine")

Is this dress ok? (only appropriate response= "Fine")

Do I look fat? (only appropriate response= "You look fine")

I am fortunate enough to live with a VERY wise man-- when I want reassurance, I get it! (If I want an honest opinion, I'll ask a girlfriend.)

21 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:31:51 PST by walden
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To: Victoria Delsoul, kahoutek, Illbay

Vicky, #18: Don't kick my tires if you ain't gonna drive me home!

And guys, if it don't work out, there's alway's an alternative....FRegards

22 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:33:13 PST by gonzo
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To: kahoutek

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies 1.0 won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right--as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiance 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

23 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:34:16 PST by SamAdams76
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To: William Wallace

Ah, very cute. Will earmark this for my husband. I live the differences between men and women even if they are very frustrating at times. thanks!

24 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:36:08 PST by jonna
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To: Illbay

Very sweet, Tell your wife she is lucky(from one lucky wife to another). Men aren't easy to figure out either sometimes. I have a husband and a 15y/o son, they both have a lot of little boy in them.

25 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:39:28 PST by jonna
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To: kahoutek

26 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:48:06 PST by Nick Danger
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To: gonzo

Inflatable woman. LOL!


1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

6. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

7. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

27 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:48:29 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul, Luis Gonzalez

Men's English

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice body!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!
Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(While shopping): I like that one better. = Pick any bloody dress and let's go home and have sex!"

28 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:51:54 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace

LOL! One-track mind.

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb .... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

29 Posted on 12/27/2000 22:58:21 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

LOL! One-track mind.


1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb .... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
-- Steven Wright

30 Posted on 12/27/2000 23:41:21 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night
-Marie Corelli

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Gloria Steinem

31 Posted on 12/27/2000 23:50:19 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: kahoutek

When explaining something to a woman,
a man may ask, "Do you understand ?"
Instead of a straighforward yes or no...

A woman will often reply, "Yes."
However this can either mean, "Yes, I hear the actual
words you are saying but I don't have the slightest
idea what the words actually mean."
"Yes, I hear the words you are saying and I disagree."

32 Posted on 12/28/2000 00:15:28 PST by Harley - Mississippi
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To: Wolfie

There is no right answer to that. As a woman, believe me, we know what our butts look like. When you're not looking, we (well, I have) grab a mirror and angle around in front of a full length mirror just to be sure. After crying some, I beat this phrase into my head: "DON'T ask if my butt looks big!" So, if you lie and tell us we have a tiny hiney, we know you're sweet, but lying. If you tell the truth, well, God help all of us.

This is not a good question to ask. If you are asked this question, hold your sweetie close and tell her you love her and that she is beautiful. That's what we're asking.

33 Posted on 12/28/2000 00:28:42 PST by bootless
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To: Victoria Delsoul

...One-track mind. -- Victoria Delsoul

Perhaps. But it wasn't men who elected Bill Clinton twice or swooned over Al Gore's sloppy kiss of Tipper. :)

34 Posted on 12/28/2000 00:29:14 PST by Harley - Mississippi
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To: Victoria Delsoul

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
-- Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."
-- Erich Fromm

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.
-- Khalil Gibran

35 Posted on 12/28/2000 00:30:14 PST by William Wallace
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To: Harley - Mississippi

The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

-Will Rogers

36 Posted on 12/28/2000 00:34:57 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: jonna

ooh, now there's a pet peeve of mine. How many times have I heard women joke about how many boys they're raising, always adding in the husbands?

And what do you suppose would happen to the men who showed such disrespect to their wives, by talking about raising their girls?

Sure, men are just grown boys, but women are just grown girls. The men "play" with real trucks and tractors, and the women "play" with real baby dolls.

37 Posted on 12/28/2000 00:39:28 PST by watchin
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To: William Wallace

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson

38 Posted on 12/28/2000 00:41:03 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: watchin

"women joke about how many boys they're raising, always adding in the husbands? "

My X-wife was very fond of that assumption,
too bad I'm a better cook than her.
"Burial in it's own pan" was a common occurance...8~{>

39 Posted on 12/28/2000 01:28:33 PST by HAMMERDOWN
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To: kahoutek

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned .

40 Posted on 12/28/2000 01:28:54 PST by uglybiker
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To: uglybiker

Hey...Like..No Way,Ay...Take Off

41 Posted on 12/28/2000 01:38:00 PST by HAMMERDOWN
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To: SamAdams76 --- One fer the Ladies!!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.


Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3

Tech Support

42 Posted on 12/28/2000 02:40:28 PST by uglybiker
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To: kahoutek

”I'm hungry = (a) Make me something to eat (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.”

I get this one all the time!

43 Posted on 12/28/2000 02:48:14 PST by R. Scott
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To: Northpaw

I was really, truly, passionately hoping never, ever to see that picture again! Someone just had to save it for an appropriate post. Wish I had thought of it. Must be a guy thing.

44 Posted on 12/28/2000 02:54:27 PST by R. Scott
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To: William Wallace

Thanks for the bump. This hillarious. I'll share a story about hubby and I.
On the morning after we got married, I turn over to my brand new hubby and asked him, "Do you love me more now? (meaning, now that we are married and I'm now your wife) He replies NOPE! I was devistated! I said, "NO?????" He said, "I love you the same as before. Then he looked at my face and said, OH, OH, Wrong answer, right?" I said, "You're suppose to say, Yes dear I love you more today than yesterday."

We both have never forgotten that morning. We laugh about it everytime we bring it up. He now tells his friends, when your wife asks you if you love her more, the correct answer should be "Yes dear." LOL. Men! I swear. HA!

45 Posted on 12/28/2000 07:04:31 PST by Teacup
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To: kahoutek


46 Posted on 12/28/2000 07:48:22 PST by Steve0113
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To: watchin

Good point! I certainly didn't mean it as criticism. When I need nurturing my husband has been there. Many days after a long tired shift at the hospital I have curled up in his chair with him and he has asked me "how's my girl?" I remember doing something similar with my father when I was a little girl. Please don't take offense, it wasn't said to offend. My husband and my son are my boys and I'm their girl.

47 Posted on 12/28/2000 09:35:44 PST by jonna
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To: jonna

Don't worry that I've taken offense. It's the very fact that the comment is so common and "normal" that bugs me.

The truth is that between some tension in my own marriage, and some stuff that I've read, I've become much more tuned in to how men are routinely bashed in our society. Listen closely, read carefully, and you'll find it's all around you.

48 Posted on 12/28/2000 23:37:23 PST by watchin
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To: Illbay

Treat 'em like gold, like the most precious gift you could ever receive in life, and typically you'll get along just fine.

Yep, that's the theory, and it works most of the time

Personal and professional experience has taught me that there are men and women capable of absorbing all the best efforts their spouses can offer, while offering nothing in return. Sad, but true.

49 Posted on 12/28/2000 23:42:43 PST by watchin
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To: watchin

I hate to say it, but my brother is married to such a woman. You're right, it is indeed very sad!

50 Posted on 12/29/2000 08:22:17 PST by Illbay
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To: William Wallace

Outstanding, Colonel Wallace.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

This is an old nugget of cowboy wisdom from way back.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Truth be told, Colonel, my old fat furry black cat doesn't even know what it's like to be kicked. He is the most spoiled creature on the face of the earth with the exception of my girlfriend. Maybe I'm a woman trapped in a man's body. (Ugggh ... let's not even go there.) Can't be true, all of the other stuff you've mentioned makes me a man.

51 Posted on 12/30/2000 12:50:04 PST by Bryan
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To: Northpaw

I'd say we have some Hottentotts here!

52 Posted on 12/30/2000 13:02:07 PST by GalFromTheBay
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To: Bryan

Maybe I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.

And maybe I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body?

53 Posted on 12/30/2000 13:36:29 PST by watchin
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To: watchin

Yeah, lesbian. Perhaps I wasn't specific enough since my post included a reference to my girlfriend. But like I said, the rest of this "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thread pretty much confirms that I am, in fact, a man trapped in a man's body.

54 Posted on 12/30/2000 13:45:19 PST by Bryan
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To: Bryan

Truth be told, Colonel, my old fat furry black cat doesn't even know what it's like to be kicked. He is the most spoiled creature on the face of the earth with the exception of my girlfriend. Maybe I'm a woman trapped in a man's body. (Ugggh ... let's not even go there.) Can't be true, all of the other stuff you've mentioned makes me a man.

LOL! I haven't kicked any cats either, my friend. I inherited a couple of black and white American shorthairs from a former parishioner at my Church who passed away over the summer, and after the shock of being transported to a strange new place, they're settling in nicely.

I don't think this impugns our masculinity, but just to be safe, let's not mention this to the troops in that special unit with the pink flag. If they ask about it, I'm gonna tell them I once kicked a Siamese for a 53 yard field goal. Against the wind!

55 Posted on 12/30/2000 20:43:43 PST by William Wallace
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To: Bryan, William Wallace

The Cats Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

56 Posted on 12/30/2000 21:14:55 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

LOL!! That cat sounds almost as misanthropic and paranoid as some FReepers we know. :-D

57 Posted on 12/30/2000 21:35:50 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace

Chris M? ;-D

58 Posted on 12/30/2000 21:37:06 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Chris M.


59 Posted on 12/30/2000 21:37:38 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Buckeroo, bigsigh,


60 Posted on 12/30/2000 21:46:55 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

I'm not going to name names, but no, Chris M. is not who I had in mind.

Hint: duct tape. :-D

61 Posted on 12/30/2000 21:49:27 PST by William Wallace
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To: kahoutek

bump. Almost LOL, if parts weren't too true.

62 Posted on 12/30/2000 21:51:47 PST by FReethesheeples
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To: Jhoffa_ Bonaparte, Mudboy Slim, Bobby K, Mr. K, EternalVigilance


63 Posted on 12/30/2000 21:52:38 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: William Wallace

Hint: duct tape. :-D

Look up! ;-)

64 Posted on 12/30/2000 21:56:17 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: one_particular_harbour


65 Posted on 12/30/2000 22:09:59 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: kahoutek

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
- Adam's Diary

Mark Twain

66 Posted on 12/30/2000 22:10:43 PST by razorback-bert
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To: razorback-bert

It's not the man in your life that counts. It's the life in your man.

- Mae West

67 Posted on 12/30/2000 22:18:32 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: William Wallace

Thank you for starting a good post. The responses have been humorus and also enlightning. It sums up my current status in life.

Until over three years ago, I lived in liberal areas about 25 yrs. The females would like you if you were willing to spend a lot of money taking them to the right places, were PC correct and put them on pedestals.

Before I moved to a "Red Zone" I didn't say what I thought about anything. The stream of attacks never gave time to me to make a response. If you can't discuss anything, what's the point of trying. Just stay silent and avoid the hassels.

After leaving the commie area I have finally found a place where you can talk about issues in a reasenable way.

This thread is great because it presents both sides of the issue by everyone in a direct, humorous and incitefull way. From my experience the women of the left think being a body, sexy, using four letter words and the ability to spend a rich hubbies money are the key to success.

Thanks again. Regards. LL

68 Posted on 12/30/2000 22:31:53 PST by cibco
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Happy New Year to you and Yours also..!

A Man and a Woman are going out to eat. The Woman says:

"Oh I don't care where we go, you choose.."

What the Man hears: "She want's me to choose, cool.."

What she actually meant by this statement:

1) You Moron. Of Course I have a paticular Restrauant in mind, but I will feel bad telling you.. Do a Magic 8 Ball routine and figure it out will ya?

2) If you don't attempt to divine this and instead drive to a Restrauant of your own choosing, I hereby reserve the right to become an impromptu food critic and inflict pain and guilt to any degree I deem apporpriate.

3) I also reserve the right to mention your blunder at a future date & in front of keep you from making this mistake again.

69 Posted on 12/31/2000 06:16:36 PST by Jhoffa_
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Thanks, Victoria, and a very happy new year to you! :-)

70 Posted on 12/31/2000 11:32:00 PST by Bonaparte
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To: Jhoffa_

A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

71 Posted on 12/31/2000 11:58:56 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Bonaparte

Woman jokes...

Men are like parking spaces...the good ones are taken---rejects(handicaps) are available-empty!

Men are like snow won't know how many inches and how long it will last!

72 Posted on 12/31/2000 12:00:25 PST by f.Christian
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To: Victoria Delsoul

"When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill."

There is truth in this..

They can have my 12V DeWalt (with keyless chuck and drywall clutch) when they pry it from my Cold, Dead, Hands..

73 Posted on 12/31/2000 12:13:10 PST by Jhoffa_
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To: Jhoffa_


Here are two versions of the same conversation.

Female version:

Woman-1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman-2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman-1: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman-2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman-1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman-2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Male version:

Man-1: Haircut?
Man-2: Yeah.

74 Posted on 12/31/2000 12:23:01 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

That's funny..

75 Posted on 12/31/2000 12:27:27 PST by Jhoffa_
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To: Jhoffa_











and the Number One Thing Men Know About Women


76 Posted on 12/31/2000 12:29:43 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Northpaw

I can't believe you posted that. I'm ready to puke. But I'll keep on reading.

77 Posted on 12/31/2000 12:42:25 PST by Slip18
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To: kahoutek,William Wallace,Luis Gonzalez,Victoria Delsoul,Harley-Mississippi,cibco,ALL

I TOLD myself NOT to come in here, but being a woman I realized that was not what I REALLY meant!LOL

I'd like to contribute, too!

When your husband says this --- He really means this
"It's a guy thing." --- "There is no rational thought pattern associated with it."
"It would take too long to explain." --- "I have no idea how it works."
"We're going to be late." --- "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." --- "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." --- "I forgot our anniversary again."

The top 10 things men know about women are:
(I think you get it where we're going with this.)
(Hey Guys..."check out #8...a new one!)


78 Posted on 12/31/2000 12:46:49 PST by susangirl
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To: susangirl

LOL! I have some more.

What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means.... "Are you still talking?"

"You expect too much of me."
Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear or Rene Russo"


79 Posted on 12/31/2000 13:07:46 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: kahoutek

For some fifteen years, my partner/SO and I have played this game. For him, the game is called "Think Fast", but I always get to go first, starting with the question, "What are you plans for today?".

Just before Christmas, as we were dressing for the day, I initiated a round of it. Well, to my surprise, he looked at me, burst out laughing, and said "I don't know... what am I doing today?"

My question, does this mean I've "won"? :o/

80 Posted on 12/31/2000 13:09:29 PST by calypgin
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To: abigail2

HI! I thought you would enjoy this!

Starting the new year with a laugh! :)

81 Posted on 12/31/2000 15:20:05 PST by susangirl
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To: Victoria Delsoul

"The Original Version"

If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

"The New Versions"

If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back within some time limit,
forget her.

If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the
Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Statistician :
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...

Over Possessive:
If you love somebody
don't set her free.

HR Specialist:
If you love somebody
set her free
By Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.

If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously... and look for others simultaneously.

If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

ERP Functional Expert:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis.

Finance Expert:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Happy New Year, Victoria.

82 Posted on 12/31/2000 16:35:05 PST by Gregory.P.Mulhaven
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To: Gregory.P.Mulhaven

Very good, thank you. :-)

What Men Really Mean

"Will you marry me?"
Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means.... "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
Really means.... "She dumped me."




83 Posted on 12/31/2000 17:00:19 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: razorback-bert

* Rules To Be A Man

1. Don't call, ever.

2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to
let her 
figure it out by herself.

3. Lie.

4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
such as "Spike".

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them
you mailed 
it to them.

6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will
you go out 
with me?

7. Drink Vernors.

8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a
nice grunt 
will do.

10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what,
it isn't 
your fault.

11. Lie.

12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than

13. Never ask for help.  Even if you really, really need help -
don't ask. 
People will think you have no penis.

14. Women like it when you ignore them.  It arouses them.

15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. 
Whenever you 
pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.

16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough
reason why, 
just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't
know. I 
just don't like her personality."

17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18. TWO WORDS:  Hack and spit.

19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his
name in urine.

20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best
She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving
up on her.

21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.

22. Say things like "Wha...?"

23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your
girlfriend picked 
it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24. Lie.

25. Deny everything. Everything.

26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."

27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. 
Because if 
any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to

28. Don't have a clue.

29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

30. No means yes.

31. Yes means no.

32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will
Enforce this rule at all times.

33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions
locations.  Improvise.

34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex
signifies the end of a relationship.

35. Feelings?  What feelings?

36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. 
If you don't 
have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant.".

37. Life is one big competition.  If someone is better than you
anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society.  Take it upon
yourself to 
personally eradicate all of them from the planet.

39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships.  If you are
backed into a 
corner and must make a decision, stall.  If you still must come
up with an 
answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.
Example: Question:  "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic
Answer:  "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each

40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have
meaning.  Do so.

41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like
genitalia.  If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make
an exact 
replica of your penis.  Measure to make sure it's right.

42. Lie.

43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary.  Don't even think about
saying it.

44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

45. Diss your girl friend. Beg and plead until you get her back.
Diss her 
again.  Repeat cycle.

46. Lie.

47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial
You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye color.

50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't
see you.

84 Posted on 12/31/2000 22:21:13 PST by Yellow Rose of Texas
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To: Yellow Rose of Texas

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."

85 Posted on 01/01/2001 01:02:15 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman

I like that!! Or a woman who will take credit for his success!

86 Posted on 01/01/2001 01:14:42 PST by abigail2
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To: abigail2

A Woman's Wish List

"What I Want In A Man"
(Original List)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

(Revised List)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch and/or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

87 Posted on 01/01/2001 01:23:18 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Are Women Smarter Than Men?

What do "enlightened guys" say is an important quality in a woman? Intelligence. Well, I have recently realized that we men are deluded. Forget Mars. Forget Venus. We are from high school and women are from grad school. Why do I say this? Is it something having to do with perceived differences in maturity levels? Not in the slightest. It all has to do with the simple fact that women are smarter than men.

Think about it, guys. How do you make your muscles stronger? Exercise them. Our brains are the same way. But when it comes to so many things in life, men's brains are warming the bench while women's brains are getting a full cardiovascular workout.

Men have ONE shoe size. I'm a 11 1/2 wide. Simple. Women... well it depends. They're like astrologers doing a natal chart on the shoe. Where was it made? Who made it? Was it made in the winter or spring? What was the geographic elevation of the shoe factory? Was the leather from a happy or a sad cow? Eventually they find a pump with Neptune in its 4th house and the shoe-shopping mission has been completed.

Guys what's your pants size? You'll say 32 by 30 or 34 by 32 or something simple, basically the waist and inseam. But ask a woman... "I'm a size 5 on the eighth day of every third month when it's not raining, the tarot cards advise travel, and the designer's last name starts with an F."

And let's not even get into colors. We men are not unfamiliar with the fact that there are multiple shades and can probably tell 4-5 different ones in each main color group. But women make us look like simpletons. They carry portable physics labs with them and can apparently discern a variation of one hertz in the spectrum of visible light. What's the difference between eggshell white, bone white, and navajo white? Darned if I know, but a woman does. Men just aren't good with colors. J.C. Penney occasionally has those ads with the regular guy and the male models, and he finds out he can dress like them because of Penney's new fashion line for men that allows us to coordinate an outfit by matching the tags inside the clothes. You know what this is, don't you? It's Grrranimals for grown-ups. Tiger coat, tiger shirt, tiger pants, and you're ready to step out the door. Think of certain words you'd probably never have heard if not for women. Ecru, taupe, mauve. These are not words that come naturally to the male vocabulary. They are inserted there after associating with women, sort of like the medical terms you know from watching "ER." Sure, you can say them and sound cool, but you don't know what they actually mean. Take the tibula for example. I think it's in the leg... and I would assume it's bone white.

And don't get me started on purses. Go ahead, ask any woman why men don't carry purses. She'll turn into Jack Nicholson. "You want a purse? You want a purse? You can't handle a purse!" And you know what? She's right. We can barely handle briefcases. That's why every article of our clothing has a pocket. But still, even with just a couple of pockets, like if you're wearing jeans and a t-shirt, you will at some time or another become an amateur cop. Just observe yourself the next time you can't find your keys. As you start looking around the room, you'll do a pat-down search. Essentially, you're frisking yourself. But a woman just throws every item she comes across during her day into her purse. My mom used to have this huge purse when I was a kid. I stared into that black hole once. There were receipts, business cards, a potted geranium, a five-year supply of chewing gum, ten ounces of lint (in case the dryer ran out, I guess)... I just figured that Mom was God in training. She was collecting matter until she had enough for another big bang and then she was going to start her own universe. In fact, the bigger her purse, the smarter a woman is. That's why most women don't start carrying the really big purses until they're married, because they don't want to scare off any easily manipulated men until they've got us. That's why single women started wearing those little backpacks. They told us it was fashion, but it's a trick. They thought they could fool us. They took all those big purses and turned them into little backpacks. Very clever.

So the next time one of you single, "enlightened" guys says an important quality in a woman is intelligence, just face it... if she can dress herself with a modicum of class and color coordination, and she carries a purse (or she's got a backpack), she's not only intelligent, she's smarter than you. And if you should somehow end up getting the impression she's not intelligent enough ... that just means she doesn't like you.

88 Posted on 01/01/2001 10:09:10 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace


These are things, which you would never have learned were it not for the movies:

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

- If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

- A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

- When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

- When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

- Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.

- If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

- Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

- All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.

- When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

- Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth birthday.

- Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

- If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.

- The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

89 Posted on 01/01/2001 12:12:54 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Happy New Year Victoria! :-)

OK. Three fishermen came upon a mermaid, and the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisher said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting Shakespeare.

Then the second guy said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the'mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the man said "yes," so the mermaid turned him into a woman."

90 Posted on 01/01/2001 16:49:40 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace


The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

91 Posted on 01/01/2001 18:19:49 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul


Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

92 Posted on 01/01/2001 18:56:58 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

93 Posted on 01/01/2001 19:05:29 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named:


He's tan.

He's cute.

He knows the importance of accessorizing.

And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

94 Posted on 01/01/2001 19:12:33 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curve and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him, "are either of them showing any lifesigns?"

The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'till I turned his head around the right way."

95 Posted on 01/01/2001 19:15:38 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Urges and Feelings

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."

96 Posted on 01/01/2001 19:30:20 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

97 Posted on 01/01/2001 19:35:14 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."


A Test For the Ladies

Ladies, this test is for you. Pretend you are a man, perhaps one close to you. Then answer the questions as though it was he who was answering.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path,
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection,
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows, world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran socks?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected sock molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran socks. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. The TV Remote control.

98 Posted on 01/01/2001 19:46:51 PST by William Wallace
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To: Bryan

Maybe I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.

You could be a lesbian trapped in a man's body, who would know?

99 Posted on 01/01/2001 19:58:54 PST by HighWheeler
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To: watchin

Oh I hate when that happens, you were there already.

100 Posted on 01/01/2001 19:59:51 PST by HighWheeler
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To: William Wallace

They are all "C" :-D

101 Posted on 01/01/2001 20:01:23 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

His and Hers - Drive Up ATM

His and Her ATM usage explained:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

102 Posted on 01/01/2001 20:09:52 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace

LOL! I'm running out of jokes!

103 Posted on 01/01/2001 20:15:58 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: kahoutek

Gift giving tip for guys--courtesy of my fiance: "If you can plug it in, think again"; to which my sister added "if it's for the kitchen, she'll be b*tchin"

104 Posted on 01/01/2001 20:19:12 PST by garandgal
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Don't give up now Victoria! :-D

Kids Talk About Love


"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, age 8


"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, age 6

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, age 9

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
Bart, age 9


"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
Sandra, age 7


"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
Dick, age 7


"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
Gina, age 8


"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
Julia, age 7


"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."
Tammy, age 7

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."
Roger, age 6


"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love."
Erin, age 8

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
Dave, age 8


"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, age 8


"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
Manuel, age 8


"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7


"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, age 9


"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
Greg, age 8


"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
Arnold, age 10


"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
Regina, age 10

105 Posted on 01/01/2001 20:19:24 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace

Don't give up now Victoria!

Never! :-D


...I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

...when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

...when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

...I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up a copy of "Parenting" or "Better Homes & Gardens."

...when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

...I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how could HE know where we're going?

...I do NOT want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's day is okay. I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too? don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

...I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

...and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

106 Posted on 01/01/2001 20:24:56 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: HighWheeler

You could be a lesbian trapped in a man's body, who would know?

I believe my girlfriend would know. If I am in fact a woman trapped in a man's body, then said woman is most definitely a lesbian.

107 Posted on 01/01/2001 20:25:08 PST by Bryan
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Kids Talk About Love (Part 2)


"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents."
Eric, 6


"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
Kelly, 9


"Eighty-four, because at that , you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
Carolyn, 8


"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
Lottie, 9


"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
Craig, 9


"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
Allan, 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you...If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
Kally, 9


"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on TV."
Anita, 6

"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...We were behind a tree."
Carey, 7


"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there."
Manuel, 8

108 Posted on 01/01/2001 20:33:37 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace

Some grade school teachers keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

*The future of "I give" is "I take."

*The parts of speech are lungs and air.

*The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

*A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

*Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

*(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

*A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

*The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

*A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

*Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

*The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

*The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

*We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

*One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

*A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

*One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

*To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

*The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

*The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

*Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

*The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

*Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

*The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

*In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

*Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

*In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

*A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

109 Posted on 01/01/2001 20:38:27 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

110 Posted on 01/01/2001 20:56:46 PST by William Wallace
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To: Victoria Delsoul

OK, gonna get out on the thin ice now...

Men V. Women / Humor

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?  This can work as a lawer joke with slight mods.
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's a$$?
A. A mechanic

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their b@lls fall over their a$$hole and they vapor-lock.

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
A. They keep stepping on the strings.

Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
A. You can negotiate with the terrorist

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.

And the Number One Men V. Women?

Your screaming wife is at the front door and your barking dog is at the back door.
Q.  Which one do you let in?
A.  The dog.  At least the dog will shut up when you let it in.

111 Posted on 01/01/2001 20:58:11 PST by TLI
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To: William Wallace

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If men would only listen.

112 Posted on 01/01/2001 21:02:49 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three year lease with an option to buy.

113 Posted on 01/01/2001 21:08:08 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start, you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head.

114 Posted on 01/01/2001 21:10:45 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.

After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.

It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."

"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

115 Posted on 01/01/2001 21:13:38 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

If men ruled the world

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus right into your car, just like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur every fourth year.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. This goes for Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how "fresh" they felt.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

116 Posted on 01/01/2001 21:27:13 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace

Who's On First -- Star Trek Style

Kirk - Ah... hello Mister Spock.

Spock - Good day, Captain.

Kirk - Are you an avid baseball fan?

Spock - Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of 4 sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock the 's**t out of' the object amidst loud verbalizations of 'Hurrah' and 'Knock 'em on their a**.' Is this correct?

Kirk - Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth.

Spock - Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history... perhaps I may be of assistance.

Kirk - That's the idea.

Spock - Very well... proceed.

Kirk - Alright... Who's on first.

Spock - I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir.

Kirk - So?

Spock - Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy.

Kirk - No... Who's on first.

Spock - I do not know.

Kirk - No... he's third base.

Spock - Who is?

Kirk - No... he's first base.

Spock - Who is?

Kirk - Correct.

Spock - Who is correct?

Kirk - Sometimes.

Spock - Who is sometimes?

Kirk - No... Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes' identity.

Spock - Who's identity?

Kirk - No... him I know... he's first baseman.

Spock - Who is?

Kirk - Right.

Spock - Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman. Kirk - What.

Spock - I said the second baseman.

Kirk - What.

Spock - This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked... who is the second baseman?

Kirk - No... you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.

Spock - I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir.

McCoy - Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there!

Spock - Forgive me Doctor... I am not a comedian.

McCoy - Obviously.

Spock - That much is certain.

McCoy - Just get back to the skit.

Spock - Very well. Captain... I ask you... politely... who is the second baseman?

Kirk - No... Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.

Spock - That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. 'Who is the second baseman,' not 'what is the second baseman.'

Kirk - Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman.

Spock - That statement is most illogical.

Kirk - Okay... wait a minute. We'll get Scotty... he's Scottish.. he must love baseball. Oh Mister Scott...

Scott - Aye, Cap'n?

Kirk - Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.

Scott - Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!

Kirk - You see, Spock?

Spock - Yes... Mister Scott seems to know the material well.

Alright, Mister Scott... who is the second baseman? Scott - Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!

Spock - I know that be what... er... is what I'm talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.

Scott - Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event!

Spock - What has this got to do with field events?

Scott - Ach! No! What's the second baseman!

Spock - Again, I note that a person should be referred to as 'who' and not 'what' Mister Scott.

Scott - Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!

Spock - What you are saying is most illogical.

Scott - Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!

Spock - Who is a 'real bright fella' Mister Scott?

Scott - No! Who... now he's a real dope, sir!

Spock - Who is?

Scott - Right!

Spock - You are relieved, Mister Scott.

Scott - Aye, sir.

Spock - Sir... this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested in learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing impatient.

Kirk - No... Who's the first baseman.

Spock - Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.

[Spock leaves.]

Kirk - Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait... I don't remember a Whoever on the team...

117 Posted on 01/01/2001 21:36:11 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

LOL! I'm outta material! You win Victoria! :-D

118 Posted on 01/01/2001 22:22:12 PST by William Wallace
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To: William Wallace

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

Nighty night, William :-D

119 Posted on 01/01/2001 22:26:28 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Good night, Victoria. Sweet dreams! :-)

120 Posted on 01/01/2001 22:32:05 PST by William Wallace
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To: Victoria Delsoul

The problem with just acking for what we need is that most men believe whatever is asked for can be reasoned away. We don't want to reason about you remembering our birthday anymore than you want to negitiate whether you can watch the big game. But you constantly act like we are bad becasue we don't share your every value. Problem is we see the situation in rverse.

I am a sports nut - but when I first got married, my husband was Mr. Congeniality until there was another guy in the house then it was "I bet you don't know this", and channel surfing while I am up getting beers for him and the guest and ragging me like I was an airhear and I come back. I put a stop to it by studying up on his favorite team and playing. Tell me this back. and when I could finally get him several times during the game. He stopped.

Men are perpetually reasserting the pecking order based on trivia recall rather than the content of one's character. When you admit that bruising your ego is the same thing as hurting my feelings, and product research is the same thing as shopping, and when you stop making obsene comments about good looking models and constant jokes about the looks of less than godess female public figures that you never make about les than god male public figures then we will stop all of the "game playing" you claim we do but don't see that you do yourself.

121 Posted on 01/01/2001 22:58:12 PST by sportsmom
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To: sportsmom

Glad you stood up to him.

122 Posted on 01/02/2001 10:17:26 PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Thats it, i'm outta materal. Maybe the weekend crowd can haul water for a while....

123 Posted on 01/05/2001 16:57:28 PST by TLI
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To: kahoutek

Your definition of "maybe" should be revised to: Maybe = You make up my mind for me, but you had better be right!

124 Posted on 01/27/2001 18:03:25 PST by Graewoulf
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